love is supposed to follow marriage not precede it

Americans believe in "romantic" marriage - a boy and a girl are attracted to each other, fall in love, and decide to marry each other. Asians, on the other hand, believe in "contractual" marriage - the parents of the bride and the groom decide on the marriage; and love - if it ever develops - is supposed to follow marriage, not winnebago county sheriff wi facebook; je piston ring gap chart; Newsletters; tess corners fire department apparatus; pop up shops near me; woman whispering sound effect With Thor: Love and Thunder set to start production sometime in early 2021, fans are left wondering just what kind of Asgardian craziness Taika Waititi has in store for us. Although the MCU films. Thor: Love and Thunder Director: Taika Waititi Writer (s): Taika Waititi Jennifer Kaytin Robinson Release Date: July 8, 2022 Running Time: 119 minutes Home Video Soundtrack Merchandise Characters Thor: I often read things about enduring, persevering and remaining firm when you are in love with your spouse. I understand people say / do things that … 2. Passionate love is a relatively short-term experience in our lives, and so the long-term aspects of love are of greater importance. The first set of objections indicates that marriage is a CULTURAL DIVERSITY A. READING Before you read Work in pairs. Discuss the question: Which of the following factors is the most important for a happy life? Why? I I love I I money I I parents' approval I I a nice house / flat I I a good job Ị—I good health While you read Read the passage and do the tasks that follow. Traditionally, Americans intromnetast1984. AyoE é suposto ser amorVersículo 1corpo bater-lo para o chãoMessaging um calafrioCurses fazer a Go'round cabeçatraz uma certa emoçãoenviar-lhe outro mundoMesmerize seu cérebroÉ a jóia de uma pérolaFaz você ficar loucoE é suposto ser o amorSim, é suposto ser o amorBem, que é suposto ser o amorDiga porque é tudo por causa do amorverso 2É uma canção triste e solitáriouvas e lágrimas azedoAlgo escuro está acontecendose arrasta há anosCorpo bater seu amante para baixoUp contra a paredeÉ uma cena triste e scrayCom non graça em tudoE é suposto ser o amorSim, é suposto ser o amorBem, que é suposto ser o amorDiga porque é tudo por causa do amorverso 3quer saber o que veio a serAs coisas comigo e com vocêComo perdemos o caminho para o amorComo chegamos tão azulCorpo bater o seu parceiro para baixoFill'em com pesarQuem sabe o que será o fimAinda não acabouE é suposto ser o amorSim, é suposto ser o amorBem, que é suposto ser o amorDiga porque é tudo por causa do amorAnd It's Supposed To Be LoveVerse 1Body slam you to the groundMessaging a chillCurses make the head go'round,Brings a certain you another worldMesmerize your brainIt's the jewel of a pearlMakes you go insaneAnd it's supposed To be loveYes, it's supposed to be loveWell, it's supposed to be loveSay 'cause it's all 'cause of loveVerse 2It's a sad and lonely songSour grapes and tearsSomething dark is going on,Going on for yearsBody slam your lover downUp against the wallIt's a sad and scray sceneWith non grace at allAnd it's supposed To be loveYes, it's supposed to be loveWell, it's supposed to be loveSay 'cause it's all 'cause of loveVerse 3Wonder how it came to with me and we lost the way to love,How we got so slam your partner down,Fill'em with regretWho knows what the end will ain't over it's supposed To be loveYes, it's supposed to be loveWell, it's supposed to be loveSay 'cause it's all 'cause of love Before you read Trước khi đọc Work in pairs. Discuss the question Which of the following factors is the most important for a happy life? Why? love money parents’approval a nice house / flat a good job good health While You Read Trong khi bạn đọc Read the text and do the tasks that follow. Traditionally, Americans and Asians have very different ideas about love and marriage. Americans believe in “romantic” marriage - a boy and a girl are attracted to each other, fall in love, and decide to marry each other. Asians, on the other hand, believe in “contractual” marriage - the parents of the bride and the groom decide on the marriage; and love - if it ever develops - is supposed to follow marriage, not precede it. To show the differences, a survey was conducted among American, Chinese and Indian students to determine their attitudes toward love and marriage. Below is a summary of each group’s responses to the four key values. Physical attractiveness The Americans are much more concerned than the Indians and the Chinese with physical attractiveness when choosing a wife or a husband. They also agree that a wife should maintain her beauty and appearance after marriage. Confiding Few Asian students agree with the American students’ view that wives and husbands share all thoughts. In fact, a majority of Indians and Chinese think it is better and wiser for a couple not to share certain thoughts. A large number of Indian men agree that it is unwise to confide in their wives. Partnership of equals The majority of Asian students reject the American view that marriage is a partnership of equals. Many Indian students agree that a woman has to sacrifice more in a marriage than a man. Trust built on love Significantly, more Asian students than American students agree that a husband is obliged to tell his wife where he has been if he comes home late. The Asian wife can demand a record of her husband’s activities. The American wife, however, trusts her husband to do the right thing because he loves her not because he has to. The comparison of the four values suggests that young Asians are not as romantic as their American counterparts. Task 1 Explain the meaning of the italicized words / phrases in the following sentences. Giải thich nghĩa của những từ/cụm từ in nghiêng ở những câu sau. 1. Love is supposed to follow marriage, not precede it. 2. A survey was made to determine their attitudes toward love and marriage. 3. They agree that it is unwise to confide in their wives. 4. An Indian woman has to sacrifice more in a marriage than a man. husband is obliged to tell his wife where he has been. Task 2 Answer the following questions. Trả lời các câu hỏi sau. are the four key values in the survey? are much more concerned with physical attractiveness when choosing a wife or a husband, the young Americans or the young Asians? are the Indian students’ attitudes on a partnership of equals? does the American wife trust her husband to do the right thing? is the main finding of the survey? After You Read Sau khi đọc Work ill groups. Discuss the question “What are ihe differences between a traditional, Vietnamese family and a modem Vietnamese family?” Before you read Trước khi đọc Work in pairs. Discuss the question Which of the following factors is the most important for a happy life? Why? Thảo luận câu hỏi Những yếu tố nào sau đây là quan trọng nhất cho cuộc sống hạnh phúc? Tại sao? tình yêu tiền cha mẹ đồng ý nhà / căn hộ đẹp một công việc tốt sức khoẻ tốt Hướng dẫn giải A Which of the above factors is the most important for a happy life? B In my opinion, love, good health and a good job are the most important For a happy life. A Why? B As we know, love, espcciallv the true love, is an essential factor for a marriage life. Someone compares love with light or water to life. Indeed, with love we can suffer the hardship, sufferings or misfortunes of life. And there’s an important aspect of love forgiveness. We can say love and forgiveness arc two unseparable qualities. A What about good health? Is it also indispendable too? B Sure. Imagine! Can you work or live a happy life if you are in ill health? A Absolutely no. B And a good job can provide you with money enough for your life and your family, because money is a means of comfort. A OK. I quite agree with you. Chú ý Phần được gạch chân học sinh có thể thay thế để phù hợp với ý kiến cá nhân của mình. Tạm dịch A Những yếu tố trên là điều quan trọng nhất cho một cuộc sống hạnh phúc? B Theo tôi, tình yêu, sức khoẻ và công việc tốt là quan trọng nhất Đối với cuộc sống hạnh phúc. A Tại sao? B Như chúng ta biết, tình yêu, espcciallv tình yêu đích thực, là một yếu tố thiết yếu cho cuộc sống hôn nhân. Ai đó so sánh tình yêu với ánh sáng hoặc nước cho cuộc sống. Thật vậy, với tình yêu, chúng ta có thể chịu đựng những khó khăn, đau khổ hoặc những điều không may mắn trong cuộc sống. Và có một khía cạnh quan trọng của tình yêu tha thứ. Chúng ta có thể nói tình yêu và sự tha thứ là hai phẩm chất không thể tách rời. A Về sức khoẻ? Nó cũng không thể phân biệt được? B Chắc chắn. Hãy tưởng tượng! Bạn có thể làm việc hoặc sống một cuộc sống hạnh phúc nếu bạn bị bệnh? A Hoàn toàn không. B Và một công việc tốt có thể cung cấp cho bạn cnoush tiền cho cuộc sống của bạn và gia đình của bạn, bởi vì tiền là một phương tiện nếu thoải OK. Tôi hoàn toàn đồng ý với bạn While You Read Trong khi bạn đọc Read the text and do the tasks that follow. Đọc bài đọc và làm những bài tập kèm theo Tạm dịch Theo truyền thống người Mĩ và người Á châu có những ý tưởng rấi khác nhau về tình yêu và hôn nhân. Người Mĩ tin ở hôn nhân" lãng mạn” - một cậu trai và một cô gái cảm thấy thích nhau, yêu nhau và quyết định cưới nhau. Trái lại, ngườỉ Á châu tin ở hôn nhân “có tính giao ước" - cha mẹ của cô dâu và của chú rể quyết định việc hôn nhân ; và tình yêu - nếu có phát triển - được nghĩ là sự tiếp nối hôn nhân, chớ không có trước nó. Để chứng tỏ những sự khác biệt một cuộc khảo sát được tiến hành giữa các sinh viên Mĩ, Trung Quốc và Ấn để quyết định thái dộ của họ đối với tình yêu và hôn nhân. Sau đấy là bản tóm tắt các câu hỏi của mỗi nhóm cho bốn ý tưởng quan trọng. Nét hấp dãn về ngoại hình Sinh viên Mĩ quan tâm nhiều về nét hấp dẫn thể chất hơn sinh viên Ân và Trung Quốc khi họ chọn vợ hay chồng. Họ cũng đồng ý rằng người vợ nên giữ vẻ đẹp và ngoại hình của mình sau hôn nhân. Chia sẻ Ít sinh viên Á châu đồng ý quan điểm của sinh viên Mĩ vợ và chồng nên chia sẻ mọi ý nghĩ với nhau. Thực vậy, đa số sinh viên Ân và Trung Quốc thực sự nghĩ rằng không thảo luận một số vấn đề, chia sẻ một số ý tưởng nào đó là tốt và khôn ngoan hơn. Đặc biệt rất nhiều người Ấn đồng ý rằng giãi bày tâm sự với vợ là không khôn ngoan. Mối tương quan của người ngang hàng Đa số sinh viên Á châu bác bỏ quan điểm của người Mĩ hôn nhân là mối tương quan giữa những người ngang hàng với nhau, không đòi hỏi ít hay nhiều hơn ở nhau. Đa số sinh viên Ân đồng ý rằng trong hôn nhân đàn bà phải hi sinh nhiều hơn đàn ông. Tín nhiệm xây dựng trên tình yêu Đáng chú ý, nhiều sinh viên châu Á hơn sinh viên Mĩ đồng ý rằng người chồng bắt buộc nói cho vợ nơi anh ta đã đi nếu anh về nhà muộn. Người vợ Á châu có thể yêu cầu báo cáo những hoạt động của chồng. Người vợ Mĩ, chẳng hạn, tin chồng mình làm điều đúng vì anh yêu cô chứ không vì anh bắt buộc phải làm. Sự so sánh bốn ý tưởng về tính lãng mạn cho thấy người trẻ châu Á không lãng mạn bằng người Mĩ đồng trang lứa. Task 1 Explain the meaning of the italicized words / phrases in the following sentences. Giải thich nghĩa của những từ/cụm từ in nghiêng ở những câu sau. 1. precede happen or exist before 2. determine find out 3. confide tell someone about somethine very private or secret. 4. sacrifice willingly Stop having something you want. 5­. obliged having a duty to do something. Tạm dịch 1. Tình yêu được cho là làm theo hôn nhân, không đứng trước nó. 2. Một cuộc khảo sát đã được thực hiện để xác định thái độ của họ đối với tình yêu và hôn nhân. 3. Họ đồng ý rằng không khôn ngoan phải tin tưởng vợ mình. 4. Một người phụ nữ Ấn Độ phải hy sinh nhiều hơn trong hôn nhân hơn là một người đàn ông. 5. Một người chồng có nghĩa vụ phải nói cho vợ mình biết mình đã ở đâu. Task 2 Answer the following questions. Trả lời các câu hỏi sau. 1. They are “trust built on love, physical attractiveness, confiding and partnership of equals.” 2. The Americans are much more concerned with it than the Indians and the Chinese when choosing a wife or a husband. 3. The Indian students agree that a woman has to sacrifice more in a marriage than a man. 4. The American wife trusts her husband to do the right thing because he loves her not because he has to. 5. The main finding of the survey is young Asians are not as romantic as their American counterparts. Tạm dịch 1. Bốn giá trị chính trong cuộc khảo sát là gì? => Đó là "niềm tin xây dựng trên tình yêu, sức hấp dẫn về thể chất, sự tin tưởng và đối tác bằng nhau." 2. Người nào quan tâm nhiều hơn tới sự hấp dẫn về thể chất khi lựa chọn vợ hay chồng, người Mỹ trẻ hay người châu Á trẻ tuổi? => Người Mỹ quan tâm nhiều hơn đến người Da đỏ và người Hoa khi lựa chọn vợ hoặc một người chồng. 3. Thái độ của sinh viên Ấn Độ về quan hệ đối tác bằng nhau? => Các sinh viên Ấn Độ đồng ý rằng một phụ nữ đã hy sinh nhiều hơn trong hôn nhân hơn là một người đàn ông. 4. Tại sao người vợ Mỹ lại tin tưởng vào chồng mình để làm điều đúng? => Vợ chồng Mỹ tin tưởng vào chồng mình để làm điều đúng vì anh ấy yêu cô ấy không phải vì anh ấy phải. 5. Phát hiện chính của điều tra là gì? => Phát hiện chính của cuộc khảo sát này là những người châu Á trẻ tuổi không lãng mạn như những người Mỹ của họ. After You Read Sau khi đọc Work ill groups. Discuss the question “What are ihe differences between a traditional, Vietnamese family and a modem Vietnamese family?” Làm việc từng nhóm. Thảo luận câu hỏi" Sự khác biệt giữa gia đình Việt Nam truyền thống và gia đình Việt Nam hiện đại?” A I see the traditional Vietnamese family as well as family life is changing a lot. A modern Vietnamese family is quite different from the traditional one. B Thai’s right. First, in my opinion, it's the size. A traditional family was usually an extended family, that is there are more than one generation living together under one roof. C But now a modern family is usually a nuclear family, consisting of only parents and their children. D OK. And the key fact we should mention is the number of children. A traditional family was usually a large one, with more than three. In some families, people could find the number of children up to ten or even more. On the contrary, a modem family, especially families in big cities, has only one or two children at most. A Next, in a traditional family, the father takes all responsibilities for the family. In other words, father works and earns money to support the whole family. The woman’s tasks are confined within the family bearing children and doing all the housework. B Now in a modem family, both husband and wife have to work to support the family. C And what’s more husband and wife should share household work together. D That's the interesting idea about the modern family everyone in a family has his / her own responsibility to do, that is he / she should take part in the maintenance or the building of the family's happiness. A OK. The husband and the wife must have the partnership of equals in the family no one is superior to the other. Both have their corresponding responsibilities for his /her own. Chú ý Những thông tin được gạch chân học sinh có thể thay thế để phù hợp với tình huống của riêng mình. Tạm dịch A Tôi thấy gia đình Việt Nam truyền thống cũng như đời sống gia đình đang thay đổi rất nhiều. Một gia đìnhViệt Nam hiện đại khác hẳn với một gia đình truyền thống. B Quyền của Thái Lan. Thứ nhất, theo ý kiến của tôi, đó là kích cỡ. Một gia đình truyền thống thường là một gia đình mở rộng, có nhiều hơn một thế hệ cùng chung sống dưới một mái nhà. C Nhưng bây giờ một gia đình hiện đại thường là một gia đình hạt nhân, bao gồm chỉ có cha mẹ và con cái của họ. D OK. Và thực tế chính mà chúng ta cần đề cập đến là số trẻ em. Một gia đình truyền thống thường là một gia đình lớn, với hơn ba người. Ở một số gia đình, con người có thể tìm thấy số trẻ em lên đến mười hoặc thậm chí nhiều hơn. Ngược lại, một gia đình modem, đặc biệt là các gia đình ở các thành phố lớn, chỉ có một hoặc hai trẻ em nhiều nhất. A Tiếp theo, trong một gia đình truyền thống, người cha đảm nhiệm mọi trách nhiệm cho gia đình. Nói cách khác, cha làm việc và kiếm tiền để nuôi sống cả gia đình. Các nhiệm vụ của người phụ nữ bị hạn chế trong gia đình sinh con và làm tất cả các công việc nhà B Bây giờ trong một gia đình modem, cả hai vợ chồng đều phải làm việc để hỗ trợ gia đình. C Và chồng và vợ nên chia sẻ công việc gia đình với nhau nhiều hơn. D Đó là ý tưởng thú vị về gia đình hiện đại mọi người trong gia đình có trách nhiệm riêng của mình để làm, đó là anh / cô ấy nên tham gia bảo trì hoặc xây dựng hạnh phúc của gia đình. A OK. Người chồng và người vợ phải có quan hệ đối tác bằng nhau trong gia đình không ai vượt trội hơn người kia. Cả hai đều có những trách nhiệm tương ứng với mình. "We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise." —Raquel Welch The notion that "love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage" is still widespread, but the arguments against it are gaining strength. Addressing such arguments requires clarifying what we mean by profound love. The Recent Connection Between Love and Marriage "The older I get, the less time I want to spend with the part of the human race that didn't marry me." —Robert Brault Source Shutterstock The prevailing ideal that passionate love is essential in marriage is actually recently new. In her book on the history of marriage, Stephanie Coontz 2005 shows that this ideal became prevalent only about two centuries ago "People have always fallen in love, and throughout the ages, many couples have loved each other deeply. But only rarely in history has love been seen as the main reason for getting married.” Coontz further argues that "in many cultures, love has been seen as a desirable outcome of marriage but not as a good reason for getting married in the first place." Similarly, Pascal Bruckner 2013 argues that in the past, marriage was sacred, and love, if it existed at all, was a kind of bonus. Now that love has come to be seen as essential in marriage, love is perceived as sacred, and marriage as secondary. Accordingly, the number of marriages has been declining, while divorces, unmarried partners, and single-parent families are increasing. Bruckner notes that love has triumphed over marriage, but now may be destroying it from within. Considering passionate romantic love as essential in marriage has upgraded the value of marriage, making it a top priority in our lives. It has also, however, made marriages more volatile and uncertain. The issue of whether to leave a marriage in which love is not passionate becomes alarmingly central for many couples, and romantic compromises become a major concern. Objections to the Connection "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late." —Max Kauffman There are two major types of objections to considering love as the essence of marriage 1. Marriage is a framework of living that includes other important factors besides love. 2. Passionate love is a relatively short-term experience in our lives, and so the long-term aspects of love are of greater importance. The first set of objections indicates that marriage is a social framework that exists within certain socioeconomic circumstances—and that the well-being of the couple requires this fact to be taken into account. The second set of objections suggests that passionate love is unstable, exciting, and brief—and that this is contrary to the stable, routine, and long-term nature of marriage. The combination of these objections leads to the claim that considering love as the essence of marriage is bound to lead to disappointments and romantic compromises. It is obvious that as a framework of living, there is more to marriage or to other types of committed relationships than just love. Getting married should take into account additional aspects—for example, whether a partner is likely to be a good provider and a good parent. Indeed, throughout history, marriage has been regarded as a kind of "deal" that should improve, or at least not harm, either person's status or economic wealth. For this reason, despite a variety of stories on the Cinderella theme, marrying "below oneself" has typically been infrequent. Marrying for love may make a person blind to these additional aspects—there's a saying that, "He who marries for love has good nights and bad days." Coontz notes that the Enlightenment gave rise to the view that "love developed slowly, out of admiration, respect, and appreciation of someone's good character." Making Marriage Work Find a marriage therapist near me Socioeconomic considerations are related to all kinds of external circumstances that carry weight in the decision to get married. In our society, it appears that the value of such considerations is decreasing while that of love is increasing. The importance of love for both the establishment and the maintenance of marriage is greatest in Western and Westernized nations, which tend to have higher economic standards of living, higher marriage and divorce rates, and lower fertility rates Berscheid, 2010. In light of the general improvement in living conditions in modern society, it's understandable that the value of socioeconomic advantages is given less weight than that of love. However, these advantages have not disappeared—they have become part of the factors that increase love. It is easier for many to fall in love with people who have a higher socioeconomic status; to them, these people appear to be more desirable and therefore sexually attractive. Although the socioeconomic considerations for marriage may be losing ground as more people are able to maintain and even improve their socioeconomic situation without them, external circumstances still influence the decision to form any committed relationship, including marriage. I believe that all of the above objections can be met once we distinguish between intense and profound love. Establishing the Connection "There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly "taken-for-granted" relationship." —Iris Murdoch Establishing the connection between love and marriage requires the distinction between the acute emotion of intense passionate love and the enduring emotion of profound love. The enduring emotion does not merely consist of experiencing a given acute emotion repeatedly—it also shapes our attitudes and behavior in a permanent way. A flash of intense sexual desire might last for a very short time, but profound love resonates constantly, coloring our moods, our demeanor, and the way we relate to time and space. Romantic intensity expresses the momentary value of acute emotions. Romantic profundity embodies frequent acute occurrences of intense love over long periods of time, along with a life experience that resonates in all dimensions, helping the individuals flourish and thrive. Romantic profundity involves shared activities which fulfill essential needs that foster a couple's long-term flourishing. The profundity of a romantic experience is different from how intensely it is felt. A short sexual desire may be more intense than a longer experience of romantic love, but it is less profound Ben-Ze'ev, 2019. The above objections to considering love as the essence of marriage are valid concerning the acute emotion of intense, passionate love—but not concerning enduring profound love. In a Psychology Today post on why marrying for love is not wise, Susan Pease Gadoua suggested three reasons 1. Love is a changeable emotion. 2. Love does not make for a strong enough foundation. 3. Love is far from “all you need.” I believe that the notion of profound love can persuasively meet these objections. 1. Intense passionate love is indeed a short-term emotion, depending to a great extent on changeable circumstances—but enduring profound love can last for many years. 2. It is true that intense, passionate love, limited in scope, does not provide a strong enough foundation for living together for many years; however, profound love, based upon a profound compatibility between two lovers, enables them to share many activities together and to promote their flourishing. 3. Intense passionate love is indeed far from "all you need," but profound love nurtures each lover's flourishing as well as their common flourishing. In this sense, it enables the two to fulfill other needs as well. In this context, Augustine's claim—"Love, and do what you will"—is quite proper. In profound love, all activities will naturally nurture the lovers' flourishing. Marrying a person on the basis of merely intense passionate love while ignoring, say, the person's low intelligence or lack of kindness may be considered in the short run as a very romantic decision. However, when long-term considerations of profundity are taken into account, the decision will typically prove to be a romantic disaster, involving misery and the feeling of having made a romantic compromise. Love should have a central place in our life and our decision to marry or enter into other types of committed relationships. However, long-term happiness and meaningfulness cannot be based upon intense passion alone, but should involve profound love, which includes shared activities and profound care and reciprocity, as well as at least a moderate level of intensity. As Mignon McLaughlin put it "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." Arranged marriages and love marriages are sometimes seen as cultural opposites, but it’s far more complicated. Anthropology shows how love and marriage are entwined in many different ways. ✽ Love and marriage aren’t the same thing Passionate love is a feeling, and marriage is a social contract. But over time and around the world, the two have been intertwined in fascinating ways—not always with romance coming first. The concept of partnering up in some kind of marriage-like arrangement is virtually universal in human societies. But the notion that romantic love should direct such partnerships has not been a constant. For much of human history, the family unit was likely organized around reproduction and social survival, which might not have always encouraged the cultivation of warm spousal affection—or monogamy. Ethnographic studies of some tribal societies have suggested that spouses were at some points in history considered effective strangers or even antagonistic enemies, united for the main purpose of procreation. In these groups, the sentiment of romantic love seemed to be seldom acknowledged or expected, at least in public. While the deep history of marriage is murky, sometime after the development of agriculture around 15,000 to 10,000 years ago in some regions, arranged marriages become the norm across organized state societies. Family members and matchmakers began to arrange who should partner with whom, with an eye on factors such as economics, social status, prestige, and carrying on the family line. The idea that marriage should be based in long-term companionship, or what we call a “forever love,” starts to turn up in books and writings much, much later Scholars have put it as early as the 13th or 14th century in England; the 18th or 19th century in Russia; and the 20th century in China. In each culture, the arrival of this idea of “forever love” seems to be matched with a push for children to choose their own marital partners in a love match. The result is that, in recent centuries, love and marriage have melded in new and complex ways. Our research, along with other anthropological studies, challenges the common impression that societies organized around arranged marriages are very different from those organized around passionate love. In most societies, sexual desire, loving attachment, and material interests are more deeply interwoven than is culturally acknowledged. ✽ Today the ideal of arranged marriage remains strong in India and much of the Middle East but has declined dramatically over recent centuries around the world, especially in more urbanized societies. Firm numbers are hard to come by, but today about 95 percent of marriages in India are reportedly arranged and about 6 percent in Japan. However, such statistics tend to gloss over a significant diversity of practices between cultures Arranged marriages are not always what they seem. Take, for example, a Dravidian Muslim community in Sri Lanka that was studied by anthropologist Victor De Munck. There, arranged marriage has long been the norm—but this does not mean that love matches don’t happen. In contemporary times, youth who have a similar social standing and an appropriate kin relationship can regularly meet, which provides the opportunity to develop feelings. More than three-quarters of the newlyweds De Munck interviewed in the late 1970s and early 1980s said that they loved their spouse before their marriage was formally arranged. This type of arrangement is hardly unique. Many other societies have adopted a similar solution to allowing their offspring to follow their hearts and choose their mate, while maintaining the desired patriarchal image of the family being in charge. Across South Asia, this love-turned-arranged marriage strategy seems to be gaining in popularity Love matches or elopements often secure public sympathy as a modern and ethical act. The immensely popular Bollywood films and love songs, for example, are beginning to blend the long-standing arranged-marriage discourse with love-centered discourses. A culture’s tolerance for personal choice within a customary arranged marriage practice varies—and is not always without danger. In India’s New Delhi, anthropologists Perveez Mody and Shalini Grover found in their research in the 2000s that love-turned-arranged marriages are increasingly idealized among youth there—and, officially, the Indian government’s policy and law is supportive of free choice marriage. But, especially in cases of pronounced differences in social class, caste, or religion, some couples face strong parental and community opposition, which sometimes results in kidnapping or violence, especially among the middle and upper classes. What is remarkable is that across arranged-marriage cultures, we see a fairly wide parental tolerance for an offspring’s love-based mate choice—provided it is converted into a public performance that acknowledges parental authority to decide who is best to marry. ✽ Another phenomenon that blurs the line between love matches and arranged marriages is the tendency to fall passionately in love after agreeing to marry. My Jankowiak’s research has shown this was dominant in 1980s urban China, for example. At that time, a so-called self-arranged marriage relied on friends, teachers, or colleagues to introduce someone, followed by a short courtship of three or four brief, unsupervised meetings. After this, the individuals either ceased to see each other or agreed to a rapid marriage. My interviews with about 50 people showed that during this exchange, individuals typically remained skeptical and detached as they coolly calculated the relative social worth each brought to a potential marriage. Once agreeing to marry, however, both parties typically underwent a sudden transformation that manifested in passionate exchanges, statements of joy, and shared fantasies about their future life with each other. So intense was this behavior that I could never determine who felt the deeper, overwhelming passionate love urban Chinese committed to an arranged marriage or teenage Americans pursuing a love match. I could never determine who felt the deeper passion urban Chinese committed to an arranged marriage or teenage Americans pursuing a love match. The anthropologist Mody saw a similar pattern among some youth in New Delhi The interviewed couples also began to fall in love after agreeing to an arranged marriage. Of course, couples matched up by parents or matchmakers may also fall deeply in love some time into their arranged marriage A shared life, with a similar background or interests, may foster feelings of passionate or affectionate love. The Makassar of Indonesia, as one example, idealize the notion of love arising after marriage. One comparison of arranged versus love matches in Indian American marriages found little difference between the two in terms of long-term feelings of love and marital satisfaction. Anthropologist Marcia Inhorn looked specifically at couples in Egypt and Lebanon, where arranged marriage is common. She found that many couples developed a strong mutual love—so strong that even those facing infertility whose religious beliefs and culture may encourage them to seek a divorce and have children with others often opted not to do so. ✽ Invoking romantic love as the basis for marriage does not eliminate the importance of material factors in making a happy match. While many youth are pushing away from traditional forms of arranged marriage in favor of love matches, the opposite is also true People pursuing love around the world are reaping the benefits of intermediaries who help make suitable matches in material terms. In South Korea, for example, where I Nelson have studied courtship, a prevalent way to meet a partner today is on a not-so-blind date arranged by a friend, co-worker, or relative. This might start with evaluating photos and asking about the prospective partner’s specs age, job, education, family background, et cetera before proceeding to a first date. Anthropological interviews show that these young people typically like the security of being introduced to a partner with similar credentials who has been pre-screened for suitability by a trusted source. The newest global matchmaker, of course, is the computer algorithm. South Korean matchmaking services such as Duo charge fees into the thousands of dollars to introduce members to potential partners who have compatible ethnic backgrounds, religion, and material assets. Around the world, the rising popularity of online dating can help people vet potential mates for important qualities—from appearance to wealth, education, personality, and hobbies—before meeting up to see if sparks fly. ✽ The lines between types of marriage, motivation for marriage, and feelings incorporated into marriage are blurry. Serious misunderstandings can arise when someone believes they have begun a marriage based on feelings of authentic love while the other person views the marriage as an economic-sexual exchange. Numerous researchers have commented upon the frequency of this kind of misunderstanding in transnational matches, where one party expresses an authentic, intense love while the other performs the acts of love to secure economic stability. One of the reasons for a parental-arranged marriage is to ensure individuals are suitably matched and to prevent the potentially short-term sway of sexual attraction from overwhelming considerations of compatibility. Self-arranged marriages are, arguably, just a different way of achieving the same thing—both arrangement types are often centered around finding someone with a similar socioeconomic background and priorities. Perhaps the indefinable “chemistry” often invoked as the basis for love matches is little more than a synergy experienced when interacting with someone with similar values, attitudes, tastes, and life goals. Whether love comes before marriage, or marriage before love, it is important to recognize that material considerations and compatibilities—across cultures of all kinds—often underlie people’s willingness to fall in love. Different kinds of marriage may not be so different after all. William Jankowiak is a professor at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and an internationally recognized authority on urban Chinese society, urban Mongols, Mormon fundamentalist polygyny, and love around the world. Jankowiak has authored over 123 academic and professional journal articles and three books, and he has edited or co-edited four volumes. His research has been featured in numerous media outlets, including The Economist, The New York Times, Time, ABC Primetime, NPR, the History Channel, TLC, BBC, and NBC. Alex Nelson is a sociocultural anthropologist who studies transformations in gender and intimacy in South Korea and the ethnology of romantic love. He received his from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, and is an adjunct assistant professor at Appalachian State University in North Carolina. Nelson is also engaged in collaborative interdisciplinary research on commercial sexual economies, including the Erotic Entrepreneurs Project, a study of the business and safety strategies of erotic escorts in the and the Virtual Sexual Economies Project, a study of ethno-erotic economies and racial inequalities in the webcam modeling industry. Follow him on Twitter alexjnelson. Republish You may republish this article, either online and/or in print, under the Creative Commons CC BY-ND license. We ask that you follow these simple guidelines to comply with the requirements of the license. In short, you may not make edits beyond minor stylistic changes, and you must credit the author and note that the article was originally published on SAPIENS. Accompanying photos are not included in any republishing agreement; requests to republish photos must be made directly to the copyright holder. Love our work? Your support keeps SAPIENS accessible to all. RETHINK HUMAN Get our newsletter with new stories delivered to your inbox every Friday. Republish You may republish this article, either online and/or in print, under the Creative Commons CC BY-ND license. We ask that you follow these simple guidelines to comply with the requirements of the license. In short, you may not make edits beyond minor stylistic changes, and you must credit the author and note that the article was originally published on SAPIENS. Accompanying photos are not included in any republishing agreement; requests to republish photos must be made directly to the copyright holder. Love our work? Your support keeps SAPIENS accessible to all. RETHINK HUMAN Get our newsletter with new stories delivered to your inbox every Friday.

love is supposed to follow marriage not precede it